Did you hear the news? Having a baby is the “in thing” to do. All the girls are doing it!
I love babies. I had one in 2006 before it was cool. Now babies are everywhere. Is there something in the water? If there is then I guess my Brita pitcher is filtering it out. Time to switch back to tap!
I have been trying to conceive my first child with my husband. It will be our third child total, the single blood relative that will tie our “u-shaped” family into a circle. My poor husband has had a rough year with me. I was pregnant a month after we were married which resulted in a miscarriage in the 11th week. Words aren’t adequate to describe how horrible that feels. Needless to say my husband really had to keep me from laying on the ground in tears everyday. After all, what did I do wrong? Women on drugs carry babies to term and I surely didn’t do anything dangerous while pregnant.That was in August and since then we’ve been trying to conceive.
The first few months of trying to conceive were the worst. Each period was a reminder that I’ve failed to conceive. Why is it so difficult now when I want it so much? My daughter came to be with little effort. She was a surprise little blessing. Now that I’m actually paying attention to ovulation I can’t get pregnant?
I know I sound stressed out over it and everyone who knows me is trying to keep me positive. They all tell me that the baby just wasn’t meant to be. God has plans for me. It will happen you just have to relax and not plan for pregnancy so hard… is that really the answer people? Why doesn’t anyone say “I know it sucks honey. Let’s have a drink and say f#*k the world for being unfair sometimes”? People don’t say things like that because they want to help keep you positive. My friends and family were trying to help me through my darkest days and they genuinely care about me. I’ll never fully be able to thank them for that.
I just finished a weekend full of family and friends. I had aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins in town for my brother’s baby shower. My best friend came over on game night and we danced to Michael Jackson on the Wii. I was able to baby sit another best friend’s precious little angel who was so happy and just brought so much joy to my heart. Throughout the weekend I kept feeling so thankful that they were all here and that they are my family. I know you don’t get to pick your family but if I could, these are exactly the people that I would pick. I am just so lucky to be in the life that I was given.
I know there are a lot of different tones and messages in this post but what I’m trying to say is that I learned something this weekend. I live a great life. I have so much to be thankful for every day, not just at Thanksgiving. I have realized that I need to stop being jealous of the baby club that grows everyday on Facebook. I am happy for those people. They are in the beginning of joys that I am fortunate to understand through my own experiences. I also realize that I need to let go of my lost baby. Of course I’ll never fully let it go. But I accept that none of it was my fault. It simply wasn’t meant to be. One of these days I will let go of the ultra sound picture of that little fetus that I didn’t meet. It’s a picture of a little blob but I loved that blob with all of my soul. Today isn’t that day. For now it remains in my drawer because I can’t quite let it go just yet.
I am blessed with a beautiful life and family. From now on, I embrace that and focus not on my ovulation calendar, but on the blessings around me. Some day a little blob will be ready to join our ranks and it will be so loved. With all of our family and pseudo family around, we don’t need the baby club.