|Gummy Bear at 9 Weeks 3 Days | Due Nov. 25th|
I don’t like gummy bears. I don’t like any candy that is gummy. I’ve always been weird about textures and gummies is one of those that make me gag. So when I’m lying down having my fourth ultra sound and my doctor says “there’s your gummy bear” you’d think I’d be repulsed. Well of course it’s the most precious sight in my world because it’s my growing baby which until that moment I’d called baby, baby A, or Gradynn (a combination of my pre-picked boy and girl names). Now I can’t help but call him/her gummy bear. I think it’s cute, not common, and by far appropriate because I don’t eat gummy bears yet there is one residing in my tummy.
At the aforementioned appointment, a passing nurse asked if this was our first. It’s a common question asked, especially to a young couple who doesn’t have other kids with them at the doctor. This question is one that I have been working on deciding how best to answer. How do you explain it so quickly? They just want a yes or no answer but instead I struggle to say in shorthand that the baby isn’t our first together because we’ve miscarried, and that we both have one other child from prior relationships. I found myself saying “It’s our first together, but we have two children at home”. That sounds reasonable and of course the nurse said congratulations with a smile. The problem is only with me. Inside I feel a ping of guilt because I left out the fact that we’ve conceived a child before this one that was due last March. It may sound like nothing to feel bad about, but you wouldn’t understand unless you’ve been through it.
Having miss-carried a baby has definitely made this pregnancy more challenging for me to handle. Every pain of stretching rings a mental alarm. I internally remind myself “no that’s not what it feels like”. Each day that I wake up still pregnant, I feel tremendous relief because we are one step closer to the “safe-zone”. Fortunately for me, the doctors have done several ultrasounds starting at 6 weeks. We’ve both been cleared with good health. Seeing gummy bear, hearing the heartbeat, watching the heartbeat, and seeing him/her move has done my nerves plenty of good. The excess concern of what’s going on inside my stomach doesn’t go away, but I finally believe that this is going to be a success. I loved our first baby VERY much even though we didn’t meet. However I’ve come to terms that my body knew that it wasn’t meant to be.
Yesterday, on Mother’s Day I was officially 12 weeks pregnant with our gummy bear. The last 10 weeks that I’ve known and kept this (mostly) a secret have been filled with many emotions but above them all is joy. My husband and I love each other’s children so much. I can’t explain what it feels like to know that we’ve created a person that will belong to each of us. No “his mom”, no “her dad”, “his sibling”, “her sibling”, this is OUR baby. He/She is anxiously awaited by all of us. Of course our daughter wants a sister, our son wants a brother, I think dad wants a boy too, Grandma Christy wants a girl… what do I want? I used to want a boy so much. I just had to have a little guy. Now, all I can care about is that Gummy Bear is healthy. I have one of each so I’m not missing out in either outcome. I’m so relieved that he/she is growing and kicking around that he/she can be whatever it is meant to be.
I love you sweet gummy bear. We can’t wait to meet you.