I knew something was wrong because I couldn’t stand my own kids. The sound of “mom” made me want to crawl out of my skin. The slightest problem from them or between them would send me into a rage and I would scream at them from the top of my lungs. It was horrible. I’m ashamed that it took me so long to notice it happened in a monthly pattern.
This meme is perfect. I’m currently in one of my low depressed moods and of course went to the internet memes to feel better. I’m medicated now which has been a blessing for my function and behavior. Most women can better predict their PMDD onset because of how it is attached to their menstrual cycle. For me, without a regular cycle I sometimes don’t realize what’s wrong with my brain is PMDD because I don’t always get periods (sincere thanks to Mirena).
Some of it can be minor but very annoying. My brain goes out. Much like pregnancy brain, my mind just doesn’t completely function. It’s like a small piece of the train tracks is missing and the train somehow leaves the rails but then hops back on. How did that happen? I don’t know. What did I miss? I don’t know.
I don’t rage at my kids anymore. I’m much mellower in my phases now. I might just let them eat whatever they want, wander to their rooms with iPads, and then participate in mediocre interaction that passes for mothering. Am I proud? Of course not. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I protect them with my last breath? Absolutely. The mind can just be a dark place which we cannot rationalize. You can’t just decide to be happy. You can’t choose to not be depressed. It doesn’t work that way. I know that I legitimately should be happy at all times, I have a great life. I am happy. I just also deal with bouts of depression.
Of course there is a whole boat load of guilt. Guilt and remorse. I’m sorry daughter. You deserve better. Luckily your brother is too young to notice anything amiss.
One of the hardest parts about any form of depression (in my opinion) is not knowing if you can trust yourself. Is how I feel about myself legitimate feelings, or am I in a dark mood right now? Am I imaging problems that aren’t really there because of my muddled PMDD brain, or do I have problems that need to be addressed? I’ve taken to just sitting things out. Holding back thoughts and conversations. If it lasts over a week then I can share it with someone. I hate to make an issue to just find out two days later my brain overreacted.
I don’t have an eye opening, positive conclusion. I felt compelled to put this all out there in a tiny corner of the internet in case someone else stumbles across it and finds some sort of comfort. I always climb out of my dark hole, only to slowly slide back in, remember I’ll be ok, and climb back out. It’s a cycle that I continue to learn from.